Teresa Coda
Can a person meet their future spouse in college or on the job? Yes, absolutely. But should the primary reason for seeking higher education or gainful employment be eventual marital bliss? Probably not. The same understanding applies to the young adult group at church. While it’s perfectly reasonable for relationships to occur within this setting (gather together a group of similarly-aged people who share values and interests, and yes, the odds increase!) matchmaking is not the intended purpose of the group.
That said, it can be helpful to have some explicit practices in place to protect against the Young Adult group feeling like a dating group.
- From the beginning, speak transparently about the fact that the young adult group isn’t a dating group. You know that part of meetings when new-comers are told where the restrooms are located and other housekeeping details are communicated? This would be a great time to casually but clearly communicate some boundaries and to remind everyone present that the purpose of the young adult group is not to score a date to your cousin’s wedding. It might sound like this: “Welcome, everyone! So glad to see new and old faces here. Before we get started, just a reminder – young adult group is not a dating group! People might strike one another’s fancy and there isn’t a ban against relationships forming within the group, but please be mindful of your words and actions, especially if you’re feeling flirty. We want everyone to feel safe and comfortable here, and if you don’t, please say something.
- Make sure that the core leaders know not to contribute to drama. Relationships can occur in a young adult group and it isn’t the leaders’ job to police individual dynamics; however, they should be careful to decrease potential drama by refraining from setting people up, shutting down gossip, and working to be inclusive.
- Shy away from activities that promote dating group behavior. Speed dating type circles can be a great way to get to know a lot of people quickly, but maybe skip this one in your young adult group. If you want to be extra cautious, be mindful of breaking the group into trios or quartets instead of pairs for small group discussions, and prioritize group-focused games and activities.
- Have a plan for how to handle issues as they arise. If a group member expresses concern to leaders about one of their fellow members’ behaviors bordering on inappropriate, or if leaders observe this behavior themselves, be proactive in addressing the situation. First, bring up the issue to the group as a whole. For this part, it’s fine to be casual and even humorous: “Just a quick reminder that our young adult group is about faith, friendship, and community — not dating! It’s come to our attention that some interactions have been a bit on the flirty side, and that’s made a few people uncomfortable. Let’s keep things friendly and respectful here, and save the smooth moves for other settings!” If the issue persists, one or two of the leaders should talk with the person whose behavior is being received as unwelcome. This discussion is likely to feel awkward, but keeping it clear, conversational, and kind should help it to be effective: “We wanted to have a quick conversation with you about something that’s been shared with us. Some members of the group have felt uncomfortable at times because certain interactions have come across as flirty or like you might be pursuing people romantically. We realize that might not be your intention, but we wanted to make you aware so you can make any needed changes. Is there anything we can do to support you in that?”
With a little intentionality and clear communication, young adult groups can remain spaces of warm community, spiritual growth, and friendship. By keeping boundaries healthy and expectations clear, everyone can feel comfortable—and genuine relationships of all kinds can flourish naturally.
